Reap what you sow im over you now...

OK so it’s been a long ass time since I posted so I guess I’ll give you an update on what’s been going (oh ya new layout as well wee hee)
Well lets see here it’s the holiday season (ba fuckin hum bug) and I’ve been working my ass off so I don’t really get the time to go fuck around or do anything extra (my schedule sucks ass).
Umm, not much new at home same old drama that usually goes on, I’m not really home enough to really know everything anywayz and when I actually do come home and pay attention to shit we always seem to have something new…its weird but at the same time cool cause its like I don’t even live here anymore I just come clean up all the mess sleep then leave again, its sort of like I’m a drown.
Gah! My Ex and I broke up (fucking stupid ass redneck mother fucking count) anywayz he cheated on me with A 15YEAR OLD, and now im so pissed im kinda wanna do what Carrie Underwood did to the guys truck in the music video before he cheats cause that’s how I feel right now, the worst part about it is that it was a friend who I thought of as a little sister.
So ya my life is great.
Oh but the good part is my sister is coming home in only a few days and I took the day off that she gets in so I’ll get to see her and I’m so happy I cant wait.
Well gotta run guess I’ll post again when I get the chance

...dont know what to say

Well where to begin.

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile people I’ve just been busy and going to work…

Well, works still going good and I still love it granted when I get home I feel really tired and I really don’t want to do anything but hey its all good welcome to real life I guess…

Halloween was boring as HELL I didn’t do a damn thing just sat around all night and watched movies, I had gotten invited to a few party’s but I turned them all down because I thought that my family was doing something for the night but…plans got fucked (go figure) but hey like two days before Halloween My friend Shayna and I went to the Asylum Haunted House it was pretty cool even though I was laughing the whole way through it, there was only one area that was freaky in the whole damn thing other then that it was lame but funny to watch everyone else scream a stupid lil’ things and run around.

Let’s see here what else is new… hmm I don’t think a damn thing is new with me SSDD and work (yey!)

Oh yesh! My b-day is this coming Monday and I cant fucking wait I have the day off so I wanna go party and do something crazy, ya I know stupid excuse but I’m ok with that because this is my last year to do something dumb and get away with it (not that I’ve ever really done anything crazy)

I cant wait for Sunday either cause I’m going out to coffee with my brother after I get off work yepy!

Well gotta run I gotta get up early and go to work fun fun

what it was, what it was ment to bewhat it is what it will never be

Well lets see here what all has been going on.
Today was my only day off so I was enjoying it until I got a phone call and my day came crashing down.
Well My grandpa had been sick these past few days and today I found out that he’s no longer using his oxygen and such to help him breath and he’s smoking again, now I and my g-ma spent hours in the emergency to make sure he was getting better and now, now he’s not even trying, He’s having problems seeing and he cant really get around and he cant get around because his feet are swollen to the size of small balloon’s. So today when my parents got home we dove over there. Tad didn’t like what he saw because it means that liquid is traveling through his body or something like that and it could work its way up to his heart so if he doesn’t go to the hospital or use his oxygen he probably won’t make it till Christmas. It’s very sad and has me very, very worried now my grandpa and I have never been really close but I sill love him. He’s not even making and effort to live and I guess it scares me. My grandma and I where talking about future plans if he doesn’t make it…its something I never thought I would have to discuss or think about.
On to other news, I’m still working and I still love my job sometimes it’s tiring and all and standing all day is a little crappy but hey I still love it and my boss is awesome, last night I was at work until 10:00 because I was learning how to close. Yippy.
Umm ya.
Ok so I’m still dating this one dude and that seems to be at a stand still kinda thing seems how I don’t get to see him a lot with work and all which kinda sucks but hey.
And to the Eagle…muhh. I don’t trust anyone because I’ve learned the hard way there is no one you can trust everyone stabs you in the back at one point or another. No I wasn’t trying to start a fight I was just merely stating how I felt and such. No really I’m not sweet; I just make sure that I and mine are watched out after. Also…hmm I was gonna say something else but I can’t remember now…damn it. Oh ya I’m angry all the time because this was how I was made and other things that have set me off…To me this is life…
Eric…when are we gonna do coffee?
well gotta run gotta go to g-ma in the morning and go to work

Things I dont give a fuck about notebook

Oh yey I’m still alive…I think…

Well I’ve been working and all and I’m loving my job yes I can admit standing is a little tiring (and I did it for 10 hours today) but I’m getting use to it and sometimes the counting is tiring and all but still. I love it. Of course today I had a nice scare and thought I was gonna loss my job cause 79.00 or something like that was missing from my cashier drawer so I started to freak the fuck out cause I know I was counting my money right and everything and then my boss dude looked in our bank safe thingy and realized what was missing was put in there…grr but hey I got told today that my boss thought I was doing a great job and all and he didn’t mean to freak me out or anything…whew…

Let’s see here other then work I really haven’t been up to much I’ve pretty much dedicated myself to my job and all so I’m not partying or staying out until all hours of the morning or anything crazy like that hell all this week the only day I have off is Tuesday but I’m fine with that because there’s being able to do things either before work or after work…

I’m anticipating my sister coming back home and December and I keep holding my breath granted I know I won’t get to spend as much time with her because of work and all but at least I’ll get to see her and have the satisfaction of her being back home and with the family that loves her most ;)

Teal’s moved out of my house and in with yet another friend and I guess she is now regretting it seems how her friend has a 1 bdr. Apartment and there are 4 people living in it and now she feels truly homeless plus she has no job and isn’t in school anymore and even though I don’t approve of what she is doing I still stand by her and I’m still her friend even though she does piss me off sometimes but I guess her moving out was for the better cause her living with me was tearing our friendship apart.

Well I’m heading off to bed its 12:00 a.m. I’m sicj and I have work at 12:00 this afternoon or w/e

PS Eric if you read this let me know if you me and the pussy are still up for coffee

Peace

Fuck you (cause your special)

Holy Shit I’m still alive???
Damn

Ok well a lot of shit has been going on lately so let me catch people up to things.
First life is still hell, I still am dealing with my mom and Tad and there so called love for me which is really just them saying it then treating me like shit and making me clean and do all that stupid shit.
I finally took my GED but I wont get anything back from them yet for like another 2 weeks or w/e which is bullshit cause I’m tired of waiting I want to be able to have it and try to go out and get a good job.
Lets see here still unemployed and looking EVERYWHERE but to my dismay I haven’t found anything yet and I’m going a lil’ crazy, my mom is trying to help me get a job a DOL which would be really good cause if I get that job I’ll be making 30K a year which for my age is really damn good, but because I still haven’t heard anything on that I’m looking into other places as well. Just cross your fingers that I find something and I find it soon or cross your fingers that spencers calls me back or w/e…
Let’s see here my friend Teal lives with me and she is driving me fucking nuts she needs to grow the fuck up get her head out of her ass and start acting the age that she fucking is, I thought it would be ok for her living with me but the longer she has been the more pissed off I get and now I’m sitting back watching her life go down the drain because she doesn’t know how to make the right choices and that pisses me off even more…She bitches cause people don’t treat her like her age should be treated and I always just want to say gee I wonder why…FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK
Anyways shit is all the fuckin same SSDD and I’ begging for a change and one here really soon…
gahh

Everything is peachy

Well today I thought about all the things I really want to accomplish and do in my life and I realized I have a lot of work ahead of me.
First off this past week I’ve been job hunting like fucking crazy and I’m praying that I find something and I find it soon. )Need money and all to accomplish things)
I’m still studying on my GED and all I was supposed to take it when I got back but like usual shit went astray and my ma said she couldn’t afford it now or in the near future so now I have to worry bout getting a job paying for that and for my drivers permit and all that other shit that my parents can no longer support or afford for me.
Lately my mom has been letting me have a lot of freedom I go job hunt when I want or go for walks I have people over now (sometimes I don’t even bother asking) and I’m almost always out of the house now, sometimes I feel I don’t even live here anymore things are so different but I guess my mom and Tad are finally letting me grow up and see the world and do things on my own (they cant try to keep me a slave in this house forever)
So…
What else is there to talk about?
Oh yes last weekend got smashed off my ass with Teal and my boyfriend (yes I said it people I have a boyfriend (for now) and ya it was oh so fun! And yes I know my bro is now going to interrogate me and all that to figure out who he is and such but hey it will be funny while it lasts…
Right now I’m just kickin it with my best bud Megan so gotta run
PEACE

Mind Fuck

When the friends you thought you had where never there,
when everyone you thought cared didnt even dare,
when life turns to shit and your all on your own.
what will you do?
Who will you turn to (if anyone at all)?
What will happen to you?
(know one knows)


Not much new going on with me, SSDD.
Trying to get my mom to get a date for me so I can take my damn GED but that STILL hasnt happend, which is pissing me off just a lil'.
So every one in Gods name wants to hang out with me this summer, I'm so confussed on who to go chill with when I have the time cause I dont want to upset anyone, but hey I guess shit happens...
This week I'm doing job hunting so I'm praying I find something because I really do NEED a job.
Well thats it for now, when I have more time I will write more.

I'm Gonna Jump

I would really like to jump off a fucking cliff right now…It might be fun…

Well not much new going on here, SSDD plus yet more bullshit, ahh gotta love it, it’s just enough to make you wanna fucking scream on the top of you lungs.

This weekend was pretty damn fun, got to shot a 12G shotgun and a 20 and also got to fire of about 30 rounds with a 22 rifle, and OMG do I kick some major ass (don’t ever fuck with me when I got a 12G shotgun) also got to swim and such for a few and go on a few walks and such it was cool.

Well in about a week and a half I will probably be taking my GED, at this point I cant wait because all the shit that has been going on, I’m beginning to get a lil’ warn out bye it all.

Came close to having a major Migraine today but as usual I fought it off and didn’t say anything cause I didn’t want to freak people out, I think I only started to get it because I was getting stressed out and all about my GED and what I’m gonna be doing and all that, its just all coming and crashing in at once on me (just my luck)

Well my mom and I had a lovely little argument today about all the shit that has been going on but as fuckin usual she blew me off wouldn’t let me get out all of what I was gonna say and told me I was wrong (poor unfortunate souls) Grr sometimes I wonder if shes just doing it cause she thinks it funny to piss me off or is just doing her whole blowing me off and all because she realizes that I am right and I really am getting treated the way I am but her I will never know, I’m just so sick of arguing with her and getting told I don’t know WTF I’m talking about when even everyone else I know can see it…

OH GOD 4-5 Months max that’s all that I can stand it anymore I cant go any longer cause if I do I fear I will just snap (WTF else is new)

So…I got to watch The Hills Have Eyes with one of my friends and her sister and omg it was so damn funny cause they where both scared shitless…OH! You gotta love the gore movies and such they are fucking awesome…

Good-byes and reminders

Well I'm back from my 3 week trip from Ohio (sadly)
It was very nice out there I loved it, fresh air, friendly people and not a whole hell of a lot of crime. I loved it and I’m defiantly going back after I get my GED and take care of the shit I have to take care of out here. I just wish I didnt have to say good-bye again to my sis it was a bitter reminder of when she moved out there and I had to say good-bye the last time all the tears and promises and such...I hated it...
Well as figured, I got home and I know I left my room and bathroom clean before I left for Ohio, Well…There where clothes everywhere (not mine mind you) and my bathroom was NASTY) God I could have screamed. I was beyond pissed but like a good clean person I cleaned. Then of course my mom was telling me about all the chores I have to do which is FUCKED UP.
On top of that Carl is still living here (obviously or my room wouldn’t have been a mess) and just to bitch about how much I really want to stab the shit outta this person, when I got home a 1:00 am he was up and said hi and I said hi and Good-night, now it just may be me but when someone says this it usually means they are GOING TO BED, well he continued to try to talk to me then followed me down stairs and I told him I wanted to sleep then he said fine be that way and walked up the stairs calling me a STUPID CUNT.. SO…at this point I would really like to stab him REALLY and I almost did but I don’t want to go to jail so ya. (and just in case anyone didn’t know those are the 2 worst mother fuckin words you can call me, go ahead call me a bitch and all that I don’t care but to call me stupid and a cunt, you better watch your mother fuckin back cause I will stab you eventually or come at you an even worse way.
Ok now that I’m done bitching I think….
I hope everyone is well here soon I will get in touch and tell you all I’m alive and what went on while I was in Ohio…
Grr I hate being back here…

GOING TO OHIO BABY

OMG PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I ended up talking with my mom today like an adult when I got home from my g-ma’s and I told her I really needed to be in Ohio right now and all that jazz so she said ok looked up bus dates and all that but said the only problem is I don’t have any money so my sis talked with my G-pa and tomorrow I go over there and talk with him and ask to get enough money to take the round trip to Ohio, which I will leave 7:00 Monday morning a.k.a. the 12th and come back on the 24 or something like that, so YAY, I cant even sleep right now I’m so happy…The only problem is Tad cause my mom obviously hasn’t talked with him yet, which really he cant say anything…SO YAY.
OOOOOOKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways on to another topic…hmm…hmm…I'm really Hyper and I dont know why, probably cause I get to go see my sis, I had to hold in screaming when my mom told me I could go but when I get back I have to take my GED and I better pass and all that jazz, but hey -jumping up and down-
I’m hungry so I’ll end this and go have a midnight snack.
PEACE

My Cookie

Ok so here’s a nice little My Cookie picture for my brother from the comment yesterday about really liking cookies. Hehehe.

Well not much new going on with me pretty much SSDD.

Worrying about my sis a lot cause her due date is today and I really wish I could be out there with her, I found out one reason I’m also not out there is we don’t even have the money to send me out or get me back…Grr, I wish I had been working or I wish I had saved my money from all the damn baby-sitting I do (How could I be so dumb)

Well gotta run going to spend the day with my G-ma

Sick Me...fucking Mono

FUCK…
Ok haven’t posted in awhile because I have been sicker then sick but hey let me catch you all up with what’s been going on.
Last Sunday I went to a KICKASS Flyleaf concert at first I was pissed of because they put everyone 20 and younger upstairs and if your where 21 and older you could go up stairs even though it was crowded with teeny-boppers (they all make me sick, not that I’m saying I’m not a teen but at least I know how to act my fucking age) anyways I went to this concert with My friend Jae and Carl in which Jae was nice enough to stay with me upstairs while Carl went off and talked to people during the first to concert peoples then finally he remembered me because he looked upstairs and I flipped him the bird while Jae sat and laughed and said he deserved it, about 10 min. later before the actual Flyleaf concert My twin how was 23 was found –wink- so she was nice enough to let me use her ID just so I get downstairs with Jae and away from all the stupid little teeny-boppers from then on it all Kicked Ass and I got home about 12 something.
Then at 2:00 a.m. only god knows why I decided I would go out to coffee with my 2 brothers (mumbles random shit under breath) now I’m not Quiet sure what I was thinking maybe I wasn’t but hey I was picked on and tortured by the Tiger (I will come up with come backs) (and I haven’t forgot the fingerer comment) but even though I was picked on I had fun I think if they didn’t pick on me they wouldn’t love me anymore.
Following morning coffee so this would be Monday now I went to my G-ma’s afterwards and hung out with her and my 2year old cousin (god forbid I have another on the way from the same women) any who later Monday night ended up Getting sick (found bumps on my neck) and was sick until Wed. afternoon, then on Thursday my home girl Shayna came to stay the night and we hung out with to of our other friends all that jazz.
And THEN Friday night I ended up getting really sick again so I was sick and still am A little sick and for about 2 days I just layed on the couch I could barely swallow and all so I had soups and lots of drinks then finally Tad took me to the Dr. yesterday Tuesday and the results are Mono, yes I said Mono how the fuck I got Mono I don’t know its probably from sharing my drinks and shit with people all the damn time (most the time people don’t even ask me anyways) so he gave me lots of medication told me to rest and also not to kiss anyone or share my drinks or anything like that and after the Meds I should be right as ran.
So now here I sit in my sickness feeling better then I did but still sick.
Oh ya here is:
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV. remote because they refuse to walk to the TV. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

...

I’m still alive…barely.
Not much new with me, just SSDD and sick of all the shit that’s going on at my house.
Just sitting around relaxing in the really hot weather we've been having.
I wish someone could save me…
Well got to run.
PEACE

Save me from my wicked soul

…
…
…
I want to kill some fucking people at this point in time, mainly the ones I live with.
Nothing I do is write, everything I do is wrong.
I’m so sick of it. I’m tired of all the shit I get from people, I’m tired of being told I don’t try hard enough when I try my fucking hardest and most of all I’m tired of caring when I don’t even get the respect I deserve from people.
Grr, I really want to walk outside and scream on the top of my lungs until I pass out (and believe me I can do it)
Ok, now that I’m done ranting about my life…
Not much new going on with me, went out with my brother to go meet up with my other brother for coffee. that was interesting. Manly it was the usual with them, talk about old times, and all the nerdy things they do and also pick on me with story’s of how I use to be and how glad they are of how I turned out now (not that I think I turned out good)
Ahh, I think going out with my bro is the most fun I have, even though he thinks he’s old and boring but really he’s not, and hanging out with both my older brothers…ya that’s great.
Well I feel I’m ready to take my GED except now my mom wont let me because she want me to get 85% or better on everything so I have to go over everything and take the pre-tests all over, I think she’s just stalling because she doesn’t want me to go to Ohio or something, Damn the women pisses me off. I just want to take this damn test and get it over with and then go see my sis who I miss horribly.
FUCK.
Well got to run, people to kill and places to rob
PEACE

Yet another day

Well it’s yet another day and I'm still breathing.
A lot has been happening this week so let me give you a quick debriefing.
This last Friday I was rushed to the emergency room because I had some kinda neurological malfunction I couldn’t see out of the bottom part of my right eye, I lost feeling in my right arm and on top of that I couldn’t speak straight no one could understand what I was trying to say. So they did a CT and found I have a sinus infection and my left nostril and they gave me meds for that and they told me I wasn’t allowed to eat Hotdogs, bacon or sausage any more they also took some of my blood (drug test) and gave me vicodin which we quickly found I don’t agree with. Then they told me make a follow up with me regular Dr.
And for this week I’m grounded because my parents are rude crude and mean, I ended up having a friend call who I haven’t seen in a year now and haven’t gotten to stay the night or do anything with in about 2 years. Well she wanted to kidnap me on Thursday until Thursday so I told her I would talk to my mom and Tad about it. Well Usually I baby-sit on the weekends (EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND) so you see I really don’t get time to hang out with my friends unless they come with me when I have to baby-sit and that is no fun. Well anyway I called the lady I baby-sit for to tell her that there was a possibility that I was not going to baby-sit for her this weekend cause I might be going out of town well she took that as I wasn’t going to baby-sit and called Tad to bitch about it and Tad called my mom who then called me and yelled at me saying how dare I make plans without her say so and I tried to tell her I didn’t then she said your grounded for a week and all that…so ya. I HATE THIS STUPID FUCKING HOUSE I LIVE IN.
So guess where I am right now…baby-sitting…yey…
I really can’t wait till I take my GED now, everyone cross your fingers that I pass.
Oh people you have to see the anime Fruits Basket its so good I love it
Well I gotta run.

I HATE MY LIFE

I HATE MY LIFE
I HATE MY HOME
I HATE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
I HATE WHERE I AM


I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW CUZ I DONT EVEN HAVE A LIFE

OH So Bored

Ok people I am still alive.
Not much new going on with me.
I tried taking my Drivers Permit but ended up failing because I was a dumb blonde and didn’t flip the paper over to get what was on the back, but that’s ok here soon I'm going to go to take it again.
Still studying for my G.E.D. and I am so tired of it now I just wish I could pass magically, but no I have to study and study till I feel I am ready.
So right now I am attached to this stupid 24 hour E.K.G to monitor my heart, and it really sucks I gotta have all these sticky wires attached to me and a stupid block thing attached to my waist which makes it very hard to move around how I like to.

Well gotta run I will post something else latter.

Random

Oh hey its 5:00 a.m and Im bored as hell.
Oh and Im goin to school this mornin, it sounds so weird to say seems how im not in school but im goin to go visit my orchestra teacher and chill with some of my hommies...
Ya I'm sorry I beenin odd (I swear I dont do drugs)
Foamys the shit...watch foamy you need to you will laugh your asses off...
Oh look at Dawn, dawn it hot...hehehehe (not im not les or bi) hehehe
Ok well, im done being odd...
PEACE

BORED

I am beyond bored right now.
So not much new going on around here pretty much S.S.D.D (go figure)
Still studying for my GED and all here soon I’ll be taking it and I’m getting really freaked out.
Still haven’t gone to get my drivers permit yet, I keep letting my money slip away from me, but HOPEFULLY here soon I’ll be going to do that either when my bro has time or when my G-ma has time.
This weekend was kind of exhausting, My friend Teal was over and we both ended up getting stuck helping clear out the kitchen and scrubbing it down then putting everything back in it again, also we did baby-sitting and on top of that most of the nights we went to bed one night at 6:00 a.m. then 4:00 a.m. then 3:00 a.m. ya…it was fun, though I got tortured and had a water fight in the house and on top of that got barely any sleep. Hmm what a way to spend your weekend, huh?
Oh I found a really good anime called Howls moving castle, I recommend it for anybody who likes anime it was really good.Well got to run I have stuff to do…PEACE

I hate this house

I'm so sick and tired of getting treated like a stupid fucking slave.
Just shoot me already, I cant take it anymore.
If home is a place where affection has grown then home is a place I've never known.
I'm sorry if I seem a little bitchy its just I'm tired of getting treated like nothing and cleaning up after everyone elses mess and then on top of that getting told I'm a lazy shit...FUCK YOU ALL...
I do my fare share and more but noone sees that, fuck the only time my mom thanks me for picking up her mess and all that shit is when theres company over. Its BULLSHIT and yet still I have to sit here and be a stupid fuckin maid because nobody else will do the work around here.
FUCK...I REALLY NEED TO MOVE OUTTA HERE.
Ok im done ranting for now

Ok people, Im still alive for now...
I got my comp working now so i'll try to keep more up to date with you people.
My bro came over and worked on my comp for a few hours and after kicking it a few times (just joking) he got it to run just right.
I am so sick and tired of living here though, I need to get out more, grr.
Hopefully here soon I should be taking my GED and also my drivers permit test thing...
well got to run sorry this is so very short and dull

Recollection of a Dream
A recollection of a dream Not to bold not so old But now the heart to cold To dream up this theme The only reminder Are the silent scream’s echoes Reluctant to leave Yet to faint to hear A dream to answer Maybe just counter-act What the eyes see, unimaginable Reality the fantasia of our mind For what lay in the past may never change But the future still willing to be indented With your life The dream is a dream of which The reality is the dream Where silent screams no longer sound And people pay attention to the bad Before it becomes an eyesore.

Hey people I am still alive but yet again I am sick. Last night I got taken to the Emergancy room because I couldnt breath. I'm better now though just caughing up all this nasty crap and blowing my nose every 2 min. Oh well, I guess thats life for you.
Studying for my GED has been hell seems how I dont have a computer to take the pre-tests on, all I have is the book which I'm kinda tired of but at least I'm still working on it.
My computer is still fucked up because we still havent gone and got what I need to fix it...go figure.
So Tuesday night I spent my time at a bar playing pool, I won a few and lost a few, I had a bunch of guys watching me and following me around like lost dogs (kinda creepy) but hey at least I had fun. and no I didnt drink anything other then Coke.
Well gotta run TTFN

Oh yay a few poems (I got bored)

Pretty girl, pretty girl, Who are you? In this helpless world, Just another face? A pretty picture, Among the human race, Going nowhere, Spinning in a whirl. Pretty girl, pretty girl, Fix your makeup, Give your hair some curl, Hide the scars, Hide your feelings, Dreams of becoming a star, She keeps on believing, But no one can help her. Pretty girl, pretty girl, Falling in love, Keep going under, Never above, Because a girl like you, Can never find someone true, Someone to look through, And see the real you, Pretty girl, pretty girl, Cry every night, Wake up every morning, Heartaches, Headaches, From all the mistakes, That you have ever made, Just hide yourself, Hide in the shade, Pretty girl, pretty girl, one empty heart, Left all alone, It’s been that way, From the start. Pretty girl, pretty girl, Help her please, She’s been on the run, Living by the gun, Or so she wishes, Her mind, An unspeakable place, That she wishes to find, Pretty girl, pretty girl, She is dying, On the inside, She is crying, She has lied, To herself, For years, Killing herself. Pretty girl, pretty girl, She has died, But still alive, Just dead inside, The lies from the start, The way she wants to love.

What is this feeling I am supposed to have? something of some sort some kind of affection some kind of emotion however what I feel is nothing Wondering about what is going on because while others see potential I simply do not nothing to be seen nothing to be found nothing really to fight for would I even know what to fight for? No desire to settle the score no desire to defend thyself but not one to stick around for false hope with the same nonsense constantly why even bother nobody even seems to care the kind people you thought you knew only returning to their past states to try to impress you... In the end to end up in the same state in which you came from no desire to pursue anything anymore no desire to feel put down however no desire to have your spirits lifted either Like a baby without a bottle like a soldier without a rifle simply put for a fact for what I feel is a feeling of sheer nothingness trying to find myself but only to discover nothing What is it like to feel? I just do not know I used to and now choose not to it just is not worth it cause in the end you are left dead inside

i lost so many friends and people that believed in me to the night that never ends and the street that's the enemy i try not to look back cuz it only makes more pain i always wear black especially in the rain rain fell that day like tears from the sky i guess that's the worlds way of tryin to cry


Ok I'm done now...peace people

Aww look at the kitty

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck.
OK, I’m happy now.
So hello people I hope everyone is doing well and not getting into any trouble.
So my mom might take some money out on me because of our recent phone bill in which she hasn’t seen yet (or maybe she has seen it) I’ll probably only have to give her $20 because that’s how much of it is my fault other then that the bill all together is $125.39 –smiles- hehehe but hey at least it wasn’t a $200.00 one again.
Ahh, I can’t wait until the 3rd of this upcoming month because of a movie that’s coming out –jumps up and down- my bro and I will be going to see it together that is if he isn’t asleep or something like that.
Life has pretty much been sucking for me but what else is new. At home life is crazy and aggravating, my mom is driving me up and wall like usual but I am concerned about her because her back keeps acting up. And Tad…well… I try to avoid him as much as possible unless we are out some where or what ever.
Oh good news people, I don’t have to get surgery on my back (thank god) I just have to go into fiscal therapy (oh how fun) I can tell it’s probably gonna suck really big balls but hey that’s life, right?
Hahah, all the horror movies I love ‘em all they are so cool and saw 2 was the shit, really bad ass kind of a sick twisted thought and all little weird at the end but other then that pretty fucking wicked.
SO...I’ve been baby-sitting this whole weekend probably wont be home until noon tomorrow, yepy. And I may have said this before but I love kids you know they are cute and all that as long as you can give the little fuckers back then its all good.
Oh ya, I am a blonde now, I stripped away all of my black hair and am now blonde, it looks…umm interesting and I must say I look damn sexy as a blonde NOT…oh well but it does look kinda cool and was definitely a major change on my part.
To my sister BULLSHIT in nice capital letters, good catholic girl who has never smoked anything other then cigarettes all her life, hahaha my ass you lie horribly
Well got to run I have problems to go cause with people –grins-

Ok people, I;m sorry I havent posted on a few but I just got over a major flu. I'm still a little sick but much better then I was seems how the flu I had, had me down for the whole weekend 2 of those days having a temp.
well gotta run food is calling my name

Growing up

Have you ever just stopped to think about your life? So many times in this past year I have and I’m always finding myself think of how quickly you really have to grow up, you don’t get to spend as many years as you think goofing off and just being a kid because usually by the time you hit 13 years old people are already expecting so much out of you. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I where just a little kid again and not having a care in the world and depending on other people for help like my big sister who was always there to take care of me know matter how much of a brat I was and then my mom cause she was after all the one to bring me into this world and I know if she really wanted to she could take me out as well, even Tad was there even though I didn’t much show my appreciation to him but he did help us out a lot along the way. I guess what I’m really trying to say is just in the past year I realized just how much growing up I really have to do and in such a short time. Soon I’ll be out on my own paying my own bills and doing my own thing with no one but myself to depend on and at times I’m scared about it and other I can’t wait to get out in the world and experience things for myself. It kind of sucks though when you actually have to stop and think and realize OH SHIT, I’m growing up…
Ahh, and a nice little update. My computer is on the major fucking fritz I left Saturday night so I can do baby-sitting on Sunday and when I got back home I tried to turn my computer on and if goes to a blue screen saying something’s wrong with some new drive I installed on my computer (I HAVENT INSTALLED ANYTHING NEW) and of course I asked my mom if anyone was on my computer and her reply was a hesitated no…so ya…and because its all fucked up I cant do any studying for my G.E.D, grr…
Baby-sitting, its so very fun (NOT) its of for the most part but I get so worn out by it, running after the baby, making sure there not sticking anything in there mouth, changing them, waking up at 3:00 A.M. to baby screaming for another bottle or because the baby is up, VERY TIRING, I like get don’t get me wrong but I think I agree with my bro there cute and all as long as you can give the little fuckers back.
So we still don’t know what is going on with my back seems how the fuck head dr. still hasn’t called us back, my parents say no news is good news but that’s a fucking lie because my mom got no new for 6 months, then she found out she had to go in for surgery…I hate this waiting bullshit…
Well got to run I have to get dinner started for people –smirk-

The wonders of baby-sitting (someone please shoot me) that’s almost all I am doing for the rest of the month and yes I do mean the rest of the month. Lets see here this Friday I have baby-sitting 4:00 p.m. until 2:30 a.m. the next day (and that’s three kids) then Sunday I have baby-sitting 10:00 until 7:00 then Thursday I have it 10:00 until 7:00 again and THEN I have 24-26 baby-sitting and yes I mean the dates like that because I will be staying over there the whole weekend, but I’m doing this out of the kindness of my heart (really) but the good thing about it is I will have a bit of money to play around with but most of it my satanic mother will be taking for a phone bill.
I’m not really sure but I have a strange urge to go to Hooters, hmm, I want some of there food. To my brother we must go around the end of the month or something and it will be on me because I owe you for the movie thing.
Ahh, on to a more entertaining subject, my sister –grins- as I have given her the name to this site and she now reads about my NOT QUITE every move she thinks she may be able to poke fun at me, hehehe, but eventually she will forget. And now that she has her own she better write in it damn it. And yes I know I have a potty mouth but guess who I learned it from?
OK my mother is CRAZY, she still is going off about me marrying Erinn which is really…annoying, she says she doesn’t hate him she just doesn’t want me to marry him, how dumb is that? And as Erinn pointed out if she doesn’t hate him why would she not let me marry him is I wanted to in the future? But as I have told her many times before we are just friends and to get over it…
Well gotta run going to go bug my bro at this obscene hour of morning

Yet another boring week

Ahh, yet another boring week for me, not much new is going on with me just the same old bullshit that happens around me.
Friday I should be going to see Underworld –jumps up and down- and that is thanks to my big brother –grins- but I do have to do some labor to get this movie treat but I’m ok with that no complaints from me…as long as it gets me out of my house I’m happy.
You all must watch CSI, its a great show in which you people might learn something from (you will eventually get caught no matter what you do, dont be stupid and think you can get away with it)
So, I’ve been studying for this stupid GED and I am so sick and tired of it, granted it’s a lot better then being in school and all but keeping my face in a book or on a computer screen for 4-7 hours is really tiring, when your doing a pre test that all together is 78 hours long and yes it really is 78 hours which I think is insanely stupid but hey, I have to have a way to succeed in life and prove I’m something and not just another statistic in life’s great circle.
Ok, I’m sorry I’ll stop ranting about my GED studies and talk about something more entertaining…
So I met this guy and he’s really hot and he’s a gamer…ya…just messing, but I did meet this guy who’s really cool…and I’ll just leave it at that (for fear that my brother may ask questions then start with ass kicking’s) oh my, what great fun it is having a brother…
OH MY GOD! A REALLY big ass spider just crawled across the desk, I HATE SPIDERS, ahh, I have a cat and I’m putting the cat to work (spider hunting) grr, If I see anymore spiders I’m gonna freak the fuck out…I hate ‘em, I hate ‘em all.
Ok now that I’m done freaking out over a stupid spider and sounding like some kinda lolly-gagged prep (yes I know its not really a proper usage in words but I.D.G.A.R.A).
Well gotta run the cops are after me again… -grins-
Oh ya, Shayna I’m gonna kick your ass when I next see you cause your ass owes me SO BIG, hahaha. And when we gonna next be doing motto-crossing? (if you ever get your ass ungrounded) call me, you whore.
Yes I am so nice to my friends –evil smiles- Love you all hehehe

6:00 am and walking in the house

Ahh, walking in the house at 6:15 a.m. from being out all night (I think my parents left me around 9:00 p.m.) It was great hanging out at Attactix talking and gaming with a bunch of people. I’ve come to realize I’m not as much of a geek as I thought I was because compared to some of the people I was with I have no geekness (yes I know its not a word but that’s ok). Around 5:00 a.m. we decided that we’d all start the cars to get them warmed up and wait and talk inside well about 6:03 we realized we where still talking and the cars where still on so we all said good-bye and left of course coming home and trying to be quiet with a really loud ass garage door. Ya, that’s almost impossible, but I managed to creep in, shut the garage door and slip downstairs without anyone waking up. About 6:30 I herd Tad moving around to go to school, so I was pretty lucky to get in right when I did. They had figured that I would be home around 2:30-3:00 a.m. not 6:15 but hey I had fun and it was my way of getting out of the house. ;)

Ok people this pretty little rose is the tattoo I REALLY want on my back it’s fucking awesome. I will get it one day, damn it, I just hope its soon (I must have a mark on my body) I searched for quit awhile for rose that was similar to this one but every time I found one that I had liked I ended up having an issue with it and when I drew it the lines never came out right and is was all screwy so finally I got this one and I’ve had it for so long and I love it so I want to get it done right down my spine.

I was supposed to be baby-sitting today but the person I was gonna do it for got really sick, so here I am sitting at home being bored out of my mind and wanting to get out and do something but I’m broke and there is nowhere to go, plus all of my loving friends are all already doing something this weekend (It sucks)

As everyone knows I am relatively young but some of the people I know are really making me feel old for example some of the music I listen to, people like Blondie…now I know Blondie was before me but I grew up listening to her but half of my friends don’t even know who the hell Blondie is, so what the fuck is up with that? The one that got me was when I was asked who kitty was, now that is just wrong cause kitty is still big. You people really need to get educated on your music and crap.

Ok well, this ends my happy little blog for today.

3:00 a.m. and I'm still up

Yet another day where I am up at 3:00 in the morning but I guess sleeping until 2:30 p.m. really doesn’t help me much. I’m going stir crazy over here people. I want to get out and do something or something but no one I know is up and moving at this time and I can’t make a lot of noise or I’ll wake my parents up. It blows, someone please save me.

Ahh…X-box…I need more games…I love my x-box its so cool, granted I don’t have the new 360 crap but I do I have a new original X-box and I love it, finally beaten Red Ninja and outlaw golf (that was kind of easy) I’m trying to talk my mom into getting me Silent Hill but ya…that’s a lost cause.

Oh latest news on the my back, still don’t know what the fuck’s going on with that even the doctors don’t know what the fuck is going one, thought I had an appointment but evidentially not and seems how the stupid doctor hasn’t called back I’m clueless. You’d figure with all the x-rays and scans and needles they’ve fucking poked in me someone would be able to tell me what the hell is going but NO all they know is I have to fractures and an abnormality or some shit like that, and the doctors have mentioned surgery and yet they cant tell us what the fuck the abnormality is, so what the fuck is up with that? OH I just want some answers and it’s all starting to way down on me and I guess people really don’t understand that, I would’ve figured 1 major surgery would be enough so…I’m praying I don’t have to go through yet another one. Cross your fingers for me people and light a candle.

OMG I really want to go see the new Underworld it looks so kick ass, hehehe I loved the first one so I think this one is gonna be awesome…

Oh, got a new hair cut and I look damn sexy, at first I was nervous cause I knew what I wanted but I wasn’t sure if it would look good on me but it does, I love my new look –grins-

Well, studying really hard to take this GED, It’s so much reading and work…kinda sucks but oh well I’m doing it for my better intrest or what ever, I just hope that I pass cause if not I’m screwed.

So this Saturday I promised I’d baby-sit 3 kids a baby, a 10 year old and a 12 years old. I look forward to it cause it least it gets me out of the house plus I love playing with the baby and messing with the 10 year old, I’m not quite sure about the 12 year old because I’ve never met her so…this will me fun (yes I am the desperate to get out of the loony house I live in)

Still looking for a damn job, I really need to find one so if anyone knows of anywhere that is hiring for fulltime please let me know, I’m gonna die if I don’t find one.

Hopefully here soon when I get the money I should be going to get my drivers permit thanks to my brother cause my mom is being lazy and no taking me so he said he will when he gets the time and I have the money –jumps up and down- doesn’t it scare you all to know that I might be driving soon? I already have driven and some of you people know I can drive rather well but to actually get something that says I can legally drive hehehe kinda freaky, huh?

Well got to run I have some stuff to do at 3:00 a.m. not sure what yet but it will come to me soon.

Restless nights

For the past bloody week I have had restless nights. I can't sleep worth a damn and every time it gets dark I suddenly start to bound with energy. I should be a fucking vampire at this point because when I finally do go to sleep its right before the sun rises and then I sleep the whole day away until its dark outside, It really sucks, I really want to get out of this damn house and do something but there’s nothing to do seems how I’m awake when the rest f the world is dead. Tell me is this normal? And please don’t tell me its being a growing teen or some bullshit like that because none and I do mean NONE of my other friends can stay up as late as I can hell none of them can go without sleep as much as I have. I think the longest I went without sleep was a week and a half, and no I’m not lying I really did go that long without sleep and I was pretty much functioning on extreme amounts of coca-cola and coffee and yes I know, I’m insane but hey. I’ve tried sleeping pills (they don’t work worth a damn) I’ve tried alcohol (that doesn’t work either) so what the hell is left? This really sucks, I’m going stir crazy over here people...I really need something to do.
I’ve watched over 20 anime movies today (some rather disturbing and others just pornographic, but enjoyable) I think I might be one of those weird anime geeks who gets pictures of anime characters and draws anime characters including doing some one the computer. Ahh the entertainment in life, isn’t it great?
I’m starting to think that my family is really crazy, my moms lost her mind not that she ever really had one in the first place (well, she probably did before my sister and I were born) My mom seems to think I have a thing for my sisters brother and all and also seems to think that a diamond ring I found is a promise ring or some shit like that (how lame) ya I think this guy is cute big woopty doo I’m not gonna merry him for Christ’s sake. I love my family really. That’s why I want to move far, far away that way I don’t murder them (no I really wouldn’t murder them)
Oh DDR i love DDR its so fun, and what a way to work out, everyone should try DDR just once it's fuckin cool (OMFG, not only am I a geek with anime but also DDR, oh well, it's fun) It's kinda tripy though watching the screen and all the flashing colors and lights and movements its kinda...weird and it can really screw you up.
Ok I guess i have talked way to much in this blog. I'm sorry all this was all really lame and not really worth reading...

Poem

Preachings dead religions to broken children
molested by catholic priests telling not to tell for you'll go to hell
using christ to excuse their actions.
little boys and girls screaming screams no one can hear
praying to what? asking forgiveness for their parents sins
older men taking advantage of young girls
promising them life then leaving them pregnant and alone.
teens being abused in darken alleys.
big brothers molesting their baby sisters
parents abusing their babies, born into a world of hate
babies turn into teens growing up feeling tainted
pushed to be perfect, thoughts of suicide beating inside their little minds.
turning to drugs to excape the pain they hold inside.
shooting up in their bedrooms.
overdoses and suicide bring end to a life full of fear.
kids killing kids, school shootings,killing their peers and teachers
not thinking twice before,pulling the trigger.
years of bullying finally come to end..............


I know it's a little sick and all but its how i view things right now in life and you all know the sad part about it is its all true....

GED and stupid people

Ok as most people know I am studying to take my GED and a lot of you people have bitched about it and said I'm being dumb or do I know that this is the hard road so on and so forth and all this other BULLSHIT...well let me tell you fuckers right now, I'm not stupid I have looked into what the hell I am doing so stay the hell out of my business you all think you know everything on what I am doing or what I am planning but the truth is you don’t and I'm sick and tired of you all telling me I'm taking the fucking hard road...WELL DUH! and I am fully prepared to except the responsibility’s that I now have to take this includes growing up and acting like a civilized adult. Also if you ignorant fucks would listen this is pretty much the only choice I have left because I kept getting sick in school and missing so much work that I couldn’t make it all back up and like hell I was gonna stay back yet again because honestly its embarrassing being a sophomore supposed to be a Junior and then next year I'd be a stupid fuckin sophomore again and I'm supposed to be a senior, so to all of you who think they know what the hell I'm doing or other wise think I am being stupid I give you my middle finger and nicely tell you to fuck off and go to hell...and yes if I seem a little angry or pissed off I AM. Also to let you all know yes I know some and I do me SOME colleges will not take me cause I didnt finish High School but I have looked up quite a few that will take me, its not like I want to get into some major fucking college so get over yourselfs I know what the hell I am doing....

BORED

Ok, suffering from MAJOR boredom, its like 4:30 in the morning and I know I should be in bed sound asleep right now but at this point and time sleep is a concept in which I am foren with, I’m not really sure why but I just cant sleep.
Oh Well….
I have been endlessly playing DDR and my goddess that game is addictive nice way to burn off some energy (yepy DDR, I love it) and the other game i've been playing endlessly in Final Fantasy I love that game and finally beat X-2 (I hope they make another one) I know they are making a full on anime movie including all of the characters so yep
So far its been the SSDD over here, we went out last night to do gaming and my mom and I got into a little…Brawl… so I got a busted inner lip, Ahh family love you gotta love it especially when your mom takes to the habit of calling you a whore or telling you you’re a bitch but I guess that’s pretty slandered in my family, and oh the come backs I can come up with when my mom calls me something now.

..._...|..____________________, ,
....../ `---___________----_____|] = = = D
...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______.:/
.....), ---.(_(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"
...//___//
..//___//
.//___//

Yep I’m bored….

When Colors Leave

When the colors leave,
only black is to relate to
When the colors leave,
I have to watch the black snow fall down
Having nothing more to say
Having nothing more to think
Having nothing more to watch
Knowing that there is nothing
When the colors leave,
Only black is there to see
When the colors leave,
There’s nothing more to see
I tried not to hurt

But I only can hurt
I tried not to be what I hate
But I am only what I hate
I tried to be something

But I ended up being nothing

When the colors leave away
There’s only one more way
When the colors leave away

The path is clear to go away.

Ok now I'm gonna go try to sleep, and I'm so sorry I ramble alot....

A long ass poem

-not sure it makes sence to anyone but me-

I found myself at the edge of a cliff, but not the same kind
of situation that so many others find themselves in.
You know, where they want to jump...
No. I found myself in the expertly hand-woven
rope holding together the hundreds of planks of wood
that formed a bridge that once carried people safely
across to the other side...
once...
Except now, my years are as numerous as my planks
and not all of them are as trustworthy as the others...
Too many people have walked over me, and held onto me
for stability to the point where I'm not sure I've much left
to offer.
I wouldn't tread on me.

No. That's not right. That's not what I think I want to say...

I found myself in a magazine, but not the
same kind of magazine you would read while
waiting to get your hair cut; staring at all of the
perfect plastic people giving you tips on how you can
maybe, possibly, one day, with a lot of work, money,
and PLASTIC surgery look like them.
No. I found myself in a magazine fully-loaded with government
issued ammunition. One of many, with
one in the chamber, all with uncertain destinies, but
all destined to make a special place for ourselves in someone else's
heart.
Or head, or arm, or hand, or whatever other appendage/vital organ happens to get in our way.
Except I'm the one the never goes off.
Sure, the pin hits in just the right spot, but there's no charge; no motivation I guess.
Only a dimple in my casing; a scar so to speak.
I'm stagnant. But don't pull the trigger again or...

Damn it, still not right...

I found myself in a corner store, but not the place where couples
rendezvous and sip coffee or tea and share each other's company.
No. I found myself in the type of place where
couples/lovers/fuck-buddies go to plan far more
devious and depraved acts. I found myself in the box
of a combination dildo/pocketpussy. I was intended
to be "fun for everyone" and lord knows I try, but
what about the transvestites, transsexuals, or
better yet, the asexuals who desire more, less,
or none at all?
How can I measure up, down, or disappear?
I guess they just don't have to buy me.
But then what about me? What's my purpose?

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that a part of me
can be found in all of these places as well as a million more.
And no matter how sure I am of myself; no matter how hard I try,
I can't please everyone all the time, and I'll never be able
to explain myself to anyone...
Especially not you.

Umm...I sneezed (for lack of a better title)

Oh yay! The beginning of my blog. Most of what you people will read will be very...interesting...I guess that's the word most people would call it. Most of the time I'm posting a blog it will just be me rantin about some stupid problem that has happend or some stupid something that has gone down hill in my boring life, or it will be me just plain ranting in general and then some of it will be me talking about the stupid or other wise boring things my friends and I have done, and yes when I say stupid I really so mean stupid and then maybe if i get really bored I'll post some of my dramatic poetry... oh and just to let you all know i have a tendency to be a MAJOR smart ass