Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Mind Fuck

When the friends you thought you had where never there,
when everyone you thought cared didnt even dare,
when life turns to shit and your all on your own.
what will you do?
Who will you turn to (if anyone at all)?
What will happen to you?
(know one knows)


Not much new going on with me, SSDD.
Trying to get my mom to get a date for me so I can take my damn GED but that STILL hasnt happend, which is pissing me off just a lil'.
So every one in Gods name wants to hang out with me this summer, I'm so confussed on who to go chill with when I have the time cause I dont want to upset anyone, but hey I guess shit happens...
This week I'm doing job hunting so I'm praying I find something because I really do NEED a job.
Well thats it for now, when I have more time I will write more.


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I'm Gonna Jump


I would really like to jump off a fucking cliff right now…It might be fun…

Well not much new going on here, SSDD plus yet more bullshit, ahh gotta love it, it’s just enough to make you wanna fucking scream on the top of you lungs.

This weekend was pretty damn fun, got to shot a 12G shotgun and a 20 and also got to fire of about 30 rounds with a 22 rifle, and OMG do I kick some major ass (don’t ever fuck with me when I got a 12G shotgun) also got to swim and such for a few and go on a few walks and such it was cool.

Well in about a week and a half I will probably be taking my GED, at this point I cant wait because all the shit that has been going on, I’m beginning to get a lil’ warn out bye it all.

Came close to having a major Migraine today but as usual I fought it off and didn’t say anything cause I didn’t want to freak people out, I think I only started to get it because I was getting stressed out and all about my GED and what I’m gonna be doing and all that, its just all coming and crashing in at once on me (just my luck)

Well my mom and I had a lovely little argument today about all the shit that has been going on but as fuckin usual she blew me off wouldn’t let me get out all of what I was gonna say and told me I was wrong (poor unfortunate souls) Grr sometimes I wonder if shes just doing it cause she thinks it funny to piss me off or is just doing her whole blowing me off and all because she realizes that I am right and I really am getting treated the way I am but her I will never know, I’m just so sick of arguing with her and getting told I don’t know WTF I’m talking about when even everyone else I know can see it…

OH GOD 4-5 Months max that’s all that I can stand it anymore I cant go any longer cause if I do I fear I will just snap (WTF else is new)

So…I got to watch The Hills Have Eyes with one of my friends and her sister and omg it was so damn funny cause they where both scared shitless…OH! You gotta love the gore movies and such they are fucking awesome…

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Good-byes and reminders

Well I'm back from my 3 week trip from Ohio (sadly)
It was very nice out
there I loved it, fresh air, friendly people and not a whole hell of a lot of crime. I loved it and I’m defiantly going back after I get my GED and take care of the shit I have to take care of out here. I just wish I didnt have to say good-bye again to my sis it was a bitter reminder of when she moved out there and I had to say good-bye the last time all the tears and promises and such...I hated it...
Well as figured, I got home and I know I left my room and bathroom clean before I left for Ohio, Well…There where clothes everywhere (not mine mind you) and my bathroom was NASTY) God I could have screamed. I was beyond pissed but like a good clean person I cleaned. Then of course my mom was telling me about all the chores I have to do which is FUCKED UP.
On top of that Car
l is still living here (obviously or my room wouldn’t have been a mess) and just to bitch about how much I really want to stab the shit outta this person, when I got home a 1:00 am he was up and said hi and I said hi and Good-night, now it just may be me but when someone says this it usually means they are GOING TO BED, well he continued to try to talk to me then followed me down stairs and I told him I wanted to sleep then he said fine be that way and walked up the stairs calling me a STUPID CUNT.. SO…at this point I would really like to stab him REALLY and I almost did but I don’t want to go to jail so ya. (and just in case anyone didn’t know those are the 2 worst mother fuckin words you can call me, go ahead call me a bitch and all that I don’t care but to call me stupid and a cunt, you better watch your mother fuckin back cause I will stab you eventually or come at you an even worse way.
Ok now that I’m done bitching I think….
I hope everyone is well here soon I will get in touch and tell you all I’m alive and what went on while I was in Ohio
Grr I hate being back here…

Friday, June 09, 2006

GOING TO OHIO BABY


OMG PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I ended up talking with my mom today like an adult when I got home from my g-ma’s and I told her I really needed to be in Ohio right now and all that jazz so she said ok looked up bus dates and all that but said the only problem is I don’t have any money so my sis talked with my G-pa and tomorrow I go over there and talk with him and ask to get enough money to take the round trip to Ohio, which I will leave 7:00 Monday morning a.k.a. the 12th and come back on the 24 or something like that, so YAY, I cant even sleep right now I’m so happy…The only problem is Tad cause my mom obviously hasn’t talked with him yet, which really he cant say anything…SO YAY.
OOOOOOKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
Anyways on to another topic…hmm…hmm…I'm really Hyper and I dont know why, probably cause I get to go see my sis, I had to hold in screaming when my mom told me I could go but when I get back I have to take my GED and I better pass and all that jazz, but hey -jumping up and down-
I’m hungry so I’ll end this and go have a midnight snack.
PEACE

My Cookie

Ok so here’s a nice little My Cookie picture for my brother from the comment yesterday about really liking cookies. Hehehe.

Well not much new going on with me pretty much SSDD.

Worrying about my sis a lot cause her due date is today and I really wish I could be out there with her, I found out one reason I’m also not out there is we don’t even have the money to send me out or get me back…Grr, I wish I had been working or I wish I had saved my money from all the damn baby-sitting I do (How could I be so dumb)

Well gotta run going to spend the day with my G-ma

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Sick Me...fucking Mono


FUCK…
Ok haven’t posted in awhile because I have been sicker then sick but hey let me catch you all up with what’s been going on.
Last Sunday I went to a KICKASS Flyleaf concert at first I was pissed of because they put everyone 20 and younger upstairs and if your where 21 and older you could go up stairs even though it was crowded with teeny-boppers (they all make me sick, not that I’m saying I’m not a teen but at least I know how to act my fucking age) anyways I went to this concert with My friend Jae and Carl in which Jae was nice enough to stay with me upstairs while Carl went off and talked to people during the first to concert peoples then finally he remembered me because he looked upstairs and I flipped him the bird while Jae sat and laughed and said he deserved it, about 10 min. later before the actual Flyleaf concert My twin how was 23 was found –wink- so she was nice enough to let me use her ID just so I get downstairs with Jae and away from all the stupid little teeny-boppers from then on it all Kicked Ass and I got home about 12 something.
Then at 2:00 a.m. only god knows why I decided I would go out to coffee with my 2 brothers (mumbles random shit under breath) now I’m not Quiet sure what I was thinking maybe I wasn’t but hey I was picked on and tortured by the Tiger (I will come up with come backs) (and I haven’t forgot the fingerer comment) but even though I was picked on I had fun I think if they didn’t pick on me they wouldn’t love me anymore.
Following morning coffee so this would be Monday now I went to my G-ma’s afterwards and hung out with her and my 2year old cousin (god forbid I have another on the way from the same women) any who later Monday night ended up Getting sick (found bumps on my neck) and was sick until Wed. afternoon, then on Thursday my home girl Shayna came to stay the night and we hung out with to of our other friends all that jazz.
And THEN Friday night I ended up getting really sick again so I was sick and still am A little sick and for about 2 days I just layed on the couch I could barely swallow and all so I had soups and lots of drinks then finally Tad took me to the Dr. yesterday Tuesday and the results are Mono, yes I said Mono how the fuck I got Mono I don’t know its probably from sharing my drinks and shit with people all the damn time (most the time people don’t even ask me anyways) so he gave me lots of medication told me to rest and also not to kiss anyone or share my drinks or anything like that and after the Meds I should be right as ran.
So now here I sit in my sickness feeling better then I did but still sick.
Oh ya here is:

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV. remote because they refuse to walk to the TV. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

...


I’m still alive…barely.
Not much new with me, just SSDD and sick of all the shit that’s going on at my house.
Just sitting around relaxing in the really hot weather we've been having.
I wish someone could save me…
Well got to run.
PEACE

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Save me from my wicked soul





I want to kill some fucking people at this point in time, mainly the ones I live with.
Nothing I do is write, everything I do is wrong.
I’m so sick of it. I’m tired of all the shit I get from people, I’m tired of being told I don’t try hard enough when I try my fucking hardest and most of all I’m tired of caring when I don’t even get the respect I deserve from people.
Grr, I really want to walk outside and scream on the top of my lungs until I pass out (and believe me I can do it)
Ok, now that I’m done ranting about my life…
Not much new going on with me, went out with my brother to go meet up with my other brother for coffee. that was interesting. Manly it was the usual with them, talk about old times, and all the nerdy things they do and also pick on me with story’s of how I use to be and how glad they are of how I turned out now (not that I think I turned out good)
Ahh, I think going out with my bro is the most fun I have, even though he thinks he’s old and boring but really he’s not, and hanging out with both my older brothers…ya that’s great.
Well I feel I’m ready to take my GED except now my mom wont let me because she want me to get 85% or better on everything so I have to go over everything and take the pre-tests all over, I think she’s just stalling because she doesn’t want me to go to Ohio or something, Damn the women pisses me off. I just want to take this damn test and get it over with and then go see my sis who I miss horribly.
FUCK.
Well got to run, people to kill and places to rob
PEACE

Friday, May 05, 2006

Yet another day



Well it’s yet another day and I'm still breathing.
A lot has been happening this week so let me give you a quick debriefing.
This last Friday I was rushed to the emergency room because I had some kinda neurological malfunction I couldn’t see out of the bottom part of my right eye, I lost feeling in my right arm and on top of that I couldn’t speak straight no one could understand what I was trying to say. So they did a CT and found I have a sinus infection and my left nostril and they gave me meds for that and they told me I wasn’t allowed to eat Hotdogs, bacon or sausage any more they also took some of my blood (drug test) and gave me vicodin which we quickly found I don’t agree with. Then they told me make a follow up with me regular Dr.
And for this week I’m grounded because my parents are rude crude and mean, I ended up having a friend call who I haven’t seen in a year now and haven’t gotten to stay the night or do anything with in about 2 years. Well she wanted to kidnap me on Thursday until Thursday so I told her I would talk to my mom and Tad about it. Well Usually I baby-sit on the weekends (EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND) so you see I really don’t get time to hang out with my friends unless they come with me when I have to baby-sit and that is no fun. Well anyway I called the lady I baby-sit for to tell her that there was a possibility that I was not going to baby-sit for her this weekend cause I might be going out of town well she took that as I wasn’t going to baby-sit and called Tad to bitch about it and Tad called my mom who then called me and yelled at me saying how dare I make plans without her say so and I tried to tell her I didn’t then she said your grounded for a week and all that…so ya. I HATE THIS STUPID FUCKING HOUSE I LIVE IN.
So guess where I am right now…baby-sitting…yey…
I really can’t wait till I take my GED now, everyone cross your fingers that I pass.

Oh people you have to see the anime Fruits Basket its so good I love it
Well I gotta run.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I HATE MY LIFE

I HATE MY LIFE
I HATE MY HOME
I HATE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
I HATE WHERE I AM


I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW CUZ I DONT EVEN HAVE A LIFE

Friday, April 28, 2006

OH So Bored


Ok people I am still alive.
Not much new going on with me.
I tried taking my Drivers Permit but ended up failing because I was a dumb blonde and didn’t flip the paper over to get what was on the back, but that’s ok here soon I'm going to go to take it again.
Still studying for my G.E.D. and I am so tired of it now I just wish I could pass magically, but no I have to study and study till I feel I am ready.
So right now I am attached to this stupid 24 hour E.K.G to monitor my heart, and it really sucks I gotta have all these sticky wires attached to me and a stupid block thing attached to my waist which makes it very hard to move around how I like to.

Well gotta run I will post something else latter.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Random


Oh hey its 5:00 a.m and Im bored as hell.
Oh and Im goin to school this mornin, it sounds so weird to say seems how im not in school but im goin to go visit my orchestra teacher and chill with some of my hommies...
Ya I'm sorry I beenin odd (I swear I dont do drugs)
Foamys the shit...watch foamy you need to you will laugh your asses off...
Oh look at Dawn, dawn it hot...hehehehe (not im not les or bi) hehehe
Ok well, im done being odd...
PEACE

Monday, March 27, 2006

BORED

I am beyond bored right now.
So not much new going on around here pretty much S.S.D.D (go figure)
Still studying for my GED and all here soon I’ll be taking it and I’m getting really freaked out.
Still haven’t gone to get my drivers permit yet, I keep letting my money slip away from me, but HOPEFULLY here soon I’ll be going to do that either when my bro has time or when my G-ma has time.
This weekend was kind of exhausting, My friend Teal was over and we both ended up getting stuck helping clear out the kitchen and scrubbing it down then putting everything back in it again, also we did baby-sitting and on top of that most of the nights we went to bed one night at 6:00 a.m. then 4:00 a.m. then 3:00 a.m. ya…it was fun, though I got tortured and had a water fight in the house and on top of that got barely any sleep. Hmm what a way to spend your weekend, huh?
Oh I found a really good anime called Howls moving castle, I recommend it for anybody who likes anime it was really good.
Well got to run I have stuff to do…PEACE

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I hate this house

I'm so sick and tired of getting treated like a stupid fucking slave.
Just shoot me already, I cant take it anymore.
If home is a place where affection has grown then home is a place I've never known.
I'm sorry if I seem a little bitchy its just I'm tired of getting treated like nothing and cleaning up after everyone elses mess and then on top of that getting told I'm a lazy shit...FUCK YOU ALL...
I do my fare share and more but noone sees that, fuck the only time my mom thanks me for picking up her mess and all that shit is when theres company over. Its BULLSHIT and yet still I have to sit here and be a stupid fuckin maid because nobody else will do the work around here.
FUCK...I REALLY NEED TO MOVE OUTTA HERE.
Ok im done ranting for now

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Ok people, Im still alive for now...
I got my comp working now so i'll try to keep more up to date with you people.
My bro came over and worked on my comp for a few hours and after kicking it a few times (just joking) he got it to run just right.
I am so sick and tired of living here though, I need to get out more, grr.
Hopefully here soon I should be taking my GED and also my drivers permit test thing...
well got to run sorry this is so very short and dull

Thursday, March 16, 2006


Recollection of a Dream
A recollection of a dream Not to bold not so old But now the heart to cold To dream up this theme The only reminder Are the silent scream’s echoes Reluctant to leave Yet to faint to hear A dream to answer Maybe just counter-act What the eyes see, unimaginable Reality the fantasia of our mind For what lay in the past may never change But the future still willing to be indented With your life The dream is a dream of which The reality is the dream Where silent screams no longer sound And people pay attention to the bad Before it becomes an eyesore.

Hey people I am still alive but yet again I am sick. Last night I got taken to the Emergancy room because I couldnt breath. I'm better now though just caughing up all this nasty crap and blowing my nose every 2 min. Oh well, I guess thats life for you.
Studying for my GED has been hell seems how I dont have a computer to take the pre-tests on, all I have is the book which I'm kinda tired of but at least I'm still working on it.
My computer is still fucked up because we still havent gone and got what I need to fix it...go figure.
So Tuesday night I spent my time at a bar playing pool, I won a few and lost a few, I had a bunch of guys watching me and following me around like lost dogs (kinda creepy) but hey at least I had fun. and no I didnt drink anything other then Coke.
Well gotta run TTFN

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Oh yay a few poems (I got bored)

Pretty girl, pretty girl, Who are you? In this helpless world, Just another face? A pretty picture, Among the human race, Going nowhere, Spinning in a whirl. Pretty girl, pretty girl, Fix your makeup, Give your hair some curl, Hide the scars, Hide your feelings, Dreams of becoming a star, She keeps on believing, But no one can help her. Pretty girl, pretty girl, Falling in love, Keep going under, Never above, Because a girl like you, Can never find someone true, Someone to look through, And see the real you, Pretty girl, pretty girl, Cry every night, Wake up every morning, Heartaches, Headaches, From all the mistakes, That you have ever made, Just hide yourself, Hide in the shade, Pretty girl, pretty girl, one empty heart, Left all alone, It’s been that way, From the start. Pretty girl, pretty girl, Help her please, She’s been on the run, Living by the gun, Or so she wishes, Her mind, An unspeakable place, That she wishes to find, Pretty girl, pretty girl, She is dying, On the inside, She is crying, She has lied, To herself, For years, Killing herself. Pretty girl, pretty girl, She has died, But still alive, Just dead inside, The lies from the start, The way she wants to love.

What is this feeling I am supposed to have? something of some sort some kind of affection some kind of emotion however what I feel is nothing Wondering about what is going on because while others see potential I simply do not nothing to be seen nothing to be found nothing really to fight for would I even know what to fight for? No desire to settle the score no desire to defend thyself but not one to stick around for false hope with the same nonsense constantly why even bother nobody even seems to care the kind people you thought you knew only returning to their past states to try to impress you... In the end to end up in the same state in which you came from no desire to pursue anything anymore no desire to feel put down however no desire to have your spirits lifted either Like a baby without a bottle like a soldier without a rifle simply put for a fact for what I feel is a feeling of sheer nothingness trying to find myself but only to discover nothing What is it like to feel? I just do not know I used to and now choose not to it just is not worth it cause in the end you are left dead inside

i lost so many friends and people that believed in me to the night that never ends and the street that's the enemy i try not to look back cuz it only makes more pain i always wear black especially in the rain rain fell that day like tears from the sky i guess that's the worlds way of tryin to cry


Ok I'm done now...peace people

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Aww look at the kitty


Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck.
OK, I’m happy now.
So hello people I hope everyone is doing well and not getting into any trouble.
So my mom might take some money out on me because of our recent phone bill in which she hasn’t seen yet (or maybe she has seen it) I’ll probably only have to give her $20 because that’s how much of it is my fault other then that the bill all together is $125.39 –smiles- hehehe but hey at least it wasn’t a $200.00 one again.
Ahh, I can’t wait until the 3rd of this upcoming month because of a movie that’s coming out –jumps up and down- my bro and I will be going to see it together that is if he isn’t asleep or something like that.
Life has pretty much been sucking for me but what else is new. At home life is crazy and aggravating, my mom is driving me up and wall like usual but I am concerned about her because her back keeps acting up. And Tad…well… I try to avoid him as much as possible unless we are out some where or what ever.
Oh good news people, I don’t have to get surgery on my back (thank god) I just have to go into fiscal therapy (oh how fun) I can tell it’s probably gonna suck really big balls but hey that’s life, right?
Hahah, all the horror movies I love ‘em all they are so cool and saw 2 was the shit, really bad ass kind of a sick twisted thought and all little weird at the end but other then that pretty fucking wicked.
SO...I’ve been baby-sitting this whole weekend probably wont be home until noon tomorrow, yepy. And I may have said this before but I love kids you know they are cute and all that as long as you can give the little fuckers back then its all good.
Oh ya, I am a blonde now, I stripped away all of my black hair and am now blonde, it looks…umm interesting and I must say I look damn sexy as a blonde NOT…oh well but it does look kinda cool and was definitely a major change on my part.
To my sister BULLSHIT in nice capital letters, good catholic girl who has never smoked anything other then cigarettes all her life, hahaha my ass you lie horribly
Well got to run I have problems to go cause with people –grins
-

Monday, February 20, 2006

Ok people, I;m sorry I havent posted on a few but I just got over a major flu. I'm still a little sick but much better then I was seems how the flu I had, had me down for the whole weekend 2 of those days having a temp.
well gotta run food is calling my name

Monday, February 13, 2006

Growing up


Have you ever just stopped to think about your life? So many times in this past year I have and I’m always finding myself think of how quickly you really have to grow up, you don’t get to spend as many years as you think goofing off and just being a kid because usually by the time you hit 13 years old people are already expecting so much out of you. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I where just a little kid again and not having a care in the world and depending on other people for help like my big sister who was always there to take care of me know matter how much of a brat I was and then my mom cause she was after all the one to bring me into this world and I know if she really wanted to she could take me out as well, even Tad was there even though I didn’t much show my appreciation to him but he did help us out a lot along the way. I guess what I’m really trying to say is just in the past year I realized just how much growing up I really have to do and in such a short time. Soon I’ll be out on my own paying my own bills and doing my own thing with no one but myself to depend on and at times I’m scared about it and other I can’t wait to get out in the world and experience things for myself. It kind of sucks though when you actually have to stop and think and realize OH SHIT, I’m growing up…
Ahh, and a nice little update. My computer is on the major fucking fritz I left Saturday night so I can do baby-sitting on Sunday and when I got back home I tried to turn my computer on and if goes to a blue screen saying something’s wrong with some new drive I installed on my computer (I HAVENT INSTALLED ANYTHING NEW) and of course I asked my mom if anyone was on my computer and her reply was a hesitated no…so ya…and because its all fucked up I cant do any studying for my G.E.D, grr…
Baby-sitting, its so very fun (NOT) its of for the most part but I get so worn out by it, running after the baby, making sure there not sticking anything in there mouth, changing them, waking up at 3:00 A.M. to baby screaming for another bottle or because the baby is up, VERY TIRING, I like get don’t get me wrong but I think I agree with my bro there cute and all as long as you can give the little fuckers back.
So we still don’t know what is going on with my back seems how the fuck head dr. still hasn’t called us back, my parents say no news is good news but that’s a fucking lie because my mom got no new for 6 months, then she found out she had to go in for surgery…I hate this waiting bullshit…
Well got to run I have to get dinner started for people –smirk-